Redwall Dating Game
by Kelaiah
Summary: A Gameshow where Redwall characters find dates with each other! PLEASE READ & REVIEW! CHP 4 UP!
1. Couple 1: Swartt & Bluefen

1_(A tall, thin ferret comes out on a stage with glittering curtains covered in hearts. On one side of a great big curtain are four seats, and on the other side is one seat that looks like a throne. The ferret speaks.)_

**Ferret: **Hello, everyone; Welcome to the Redwall Dating Game! I'm your host, Kelaiah.

_(Audience claps.)_

**Kelaiah:** Now first of all, let me just say that I do not own the Mossflower world or any of it's characters. Brian Jacques does. Now, what is going to happen in this show is that we are going to have a bachelor come out and question three eligible females. Throughout the show he is not going to see them, just hear them. At the end of the show, he is going to choose who is he going to end up with. Are you ready?

**Audience:** YEAH!

**Kelaiah:** All right. Now, will the bachelorettes please come out?

_(Bluefen walks out and sits in a chair that has the number 1 over it.)_

**Kelaiah:** Hey, where are the other bachelorettes?

**Bluefen:** Putting on their make-up.

**Kelaiah:** Oh, for heaven's sake. Would someone go get them please? Thank you!

**Bryony:**_(from the audience) _HEY! Why's she there? She's not a bachelorette! She's married!

**Bluefen:** Oh, a certain . . . _friend_ of mine talked me into it.

_(From the audience Veil waves to her.)_

**Kelaiah:** Ah, here are the other two bachelorettes.

_(Silth and Celadine come out and sit under the chairs with the numbers 2 and 3 over them.)_

**Silth: **All that hurrying was not good for my tail! Whenever I hurry it gets all bushy!

**Celadine:** Yeah, it's the same with my tail, too. What will the bachelor think?!

**Kelaiah: **Don't worry, girls. The bachelor won't be able to see you because of that big curtain separating you.

**Silth:** He won't?

**Kelaiah:** Well, not till the end of the show. Now, if he would kindly come out.

_(Swartt comes out and sits on the other side of the big curtain.)_

**Kelaiah:** Hello, Mr. Bachelor.

**Swartt:** Hi.

**Sunflash:**_(from the audience) _HEY! He's not a bachelor!

**Kelaiah:** SHUT UP SUNFLASH! NOBEAST WANTS TO HEAR YOU RIGHT NOW!!

**Sunflash:**_(grumbles)_

**Swartt:** Hey, I wouldn't be here if a certain . . . _friend_ of mine talked me into it.

_(From the audience Veil waves to him.)_

**Kelaiah:** Now, how about if our bachelor asks the bacherlettes the first question?

**Swartt:** Fine. _(Holds up a little card)_ Contestant No. 1, what is your favorite color?

**Bluefen:** Blue.

**Swartt:** Hm, mine too. I know a . . . creature that has the bluest eyes I've ever seen.

**Bluefen:**_(blue eyes widen) _Oh, who is it? Ferahgo the Assassin?  
**Swartt: **Eh, I wasn't talking about him. I was talking about a female.

**Bluefen:**_(blushes)_ Really?

**Kelaiah: **Mr. Bachelor, you're supposed to be talking with the other girls, too!

**Swartt: **Hey, you're messing with some chemistry I was brewing up there! Ah, oh well. Contestant No. 2, what is your favorite color?

**Silth:**_(rasping voice)_Any color that is not ugly.

**Swartt: **Whoa, that's a rasping voice you got there.

**Silth:** What?

**Swartt:** Nothing. Um, Contestant No. 3, what is your favorite color?

**Celadine: **Well, pink looks lovely on me, and it looks so cute on Felldoh, but then again gold looks better on him. Green is okay on Felldoh, I guess, and maybe bluegreen, and black is all right because it matches Felldoh's eyes--

**Swartt:** All right! Contestant No. 1, what is your favorite flower? By the way, before you answer; Kelaiah, what is up with these questions?

**Kelaiah:** Shut up and read 'em, polecat.

**Swartt:** HEY! You said you'd never call me that!  
**Kelaiah:** Obviously I changed my mind. Now get on with it.

**Swartt:** NO! Not until you apologize!

**Kelaiah:** What do I need to apologize for?

**Swartt:** You called me a polecat!  
**Kelaiah:** You _are_ a polecat.

**Swartt:** Am not! I'm a _ferret!_ Just like you! And if you can't tell a ferret from a polecat then you're stupider than you look!

**Kelaiah:** Well, you just insulted me, so why don't we call it even and you get on with questioning the bachelorettes?

**Swartt: **Fine. Well, Contestant No. 1, what's your favorite flower?

**Bluefen: **I don't have one. I think all flowers are lovely.

**Swartt:** Yeah, I know. A flower's a flower. What's the difference? How about you, Contestant No. 2?

**Silth:** Any flower that is not ugly.

**Swartt:** Um, okay. Um, Contestant No. 3, what is your favorite flower?

**Celadine:** Well, roses look good on me, and they match Felldoh's fur, but daises and lilies would look so lovely in a garland on his head, and pansies and petunias would be so pretty on him too--

**Swartt:** OKAY! Contestant No. 1, what is your favorite saying?

**Bluefen:** I don't have one. I don't talk much.

**Swartt:** Okay, then I pick you.

**Kelaiah:** Oh, no you don't! You have to ask _all_ the questions! All of them! All of them, do you hear me?! ALL OF THEM!!!

**Swartt:**_(grumbles)_ Contestant No. 2, what is your favorite saying?

**Silth:** Nobeast is as beautiful as I!

**Swartt:** Yeah, but what's your favorite saying?

**Silth:** Nobeast is as beautiful as I!

**Swartt:** Yeah, but what's your favorite saying?

**Kelaiah:**_(impatient) _Oh, just ask the third girl the question.

**Swartt:** Contestant No. 3, what is your favorite saying?

**Celadine:** Well, it's a tie between, "Oh, I'm sooo fair and lovely today" and "Oh, Felldoh, you're sooo big and strong and handsome!"

**Swartt: **Hm. How lovely. Contestant No. 1, what are your interests and hobbies?

**Bluefen:** Cooking, cleaning, serving people, and being a mother.

**Swartt:** Whooo, I like you.

**Bluefen:** Thank you.

**Kelaiah:** Now ask the other two.

**Swartt:** What? Oh, okay. Contestant No. 2, what are your interests and hobbies?  
**Silth:** Filling my home with beautiful things.

**Swartt:** Wow. You need to get out more.

**Silth:** What?

**Swartt:**_(innocently)_ Nothing. Now, Contestant No. 3, what are your interests and hobbies?

**Celadine:** Practicing acrobatics with Trefoil and flirting with Felldoh.

**Swartt:** Felldoh, Felldoh, Felldoh! It's always Felldoh with you! Why don't you just _marry_ Felldoh?

**Celadine:** _Don't you think I've been trying?_

**Swartt:** Whatever. Contestant No. 1, what do you like to wear?

**Bluefen:** Modest blue dresses.

**Swartt:** Oh. Well, if that suits you. Contestant No. 2, do you like to wear beautiful clothes?

**Silth: **Yes! How did you know?

**Swartt: **Lucky guess. Now, what about you, Contestant No. 3? What do you like to wear?

**Celadine:** Anything with laces and ribbons. Although I've been second guessing whether that's a good idea, or not. They really don't help when you're being chased by a whole bunch of pirate vermin.

**Swartt:** I'm going to have to agree with you. Contestant No. 1, what do you like to eat and drink?

**Bluefen:** Fruit, vegetables, bread, fish, tea, and water.

**Swartt:** Hmmm, no cordial. You don't like it?

**Bluefen:** Oh, I like it just fine. I'm just not a big drinker. Too strong for me.

**Swartt:** I see. Contestant No. 2, what do you like to eat and drink?

**Silth:** I eat anything that is arranged in the most attractive way, and I drink wine. Or at least I used to. After somebeast poisoned mine_ (gives Lantur a venomous look)_ I've rather lost my taste for it.

**Swartt: **Oh. Well, um. Hmm. Uh, Contestant No. 3, what do you like to eat and drink?

**Celadine:** EAT AND DRINK? What, do you think I want to get FAT?!

**Swartt:** Man, 2 and 3 are physcos. Kelaiah, can't I just get number 1 and get out of here?

**Kelaiah: **At the end of the show! Now ask on!

**Swartt: **Fine. Contestant No. 1, what is a dream you had that you will never forget?

**Bluefen:** One is where I had to choose between Swartt and Zigu.

**Swartt:** You had to choose between. . . . ?

**Bluefen:** Yes; I had to choose whether to be married to Swartt Sixclaw or Zigu the Corsair.

**Swartt:** And who did you choose?

**Bluefen:** Swartt. I think I made the right choice.

**Swartt:**_(flattered)_ Well, that's nice. May I ask why?

**Bluefen: **Well, as cold and pitiless Swartt can be, he has never done anything that makes me as mad as what Zigu did.

**Swartt:** What?

**Bluefen:** Well, you remember that part where Zigu had been foiled by the hares when he was on the beach, and he found Fordpetal groaning on the ground? He just started slashing at her with his sword! That was SO mean! Every time I read that, I just want to jump in with a piece of driftwood and bash him upside the head so Fordpetal can be saved and she can get together with Bradders!

**Kelaiah:** You know, thanks to the magic of FanFiction, you can do that.

**Bluefen:** I can?

**Kelaiah:** Yes. In fact, why don't we take a little break right now for Contestant No. 1 to fulfill her wish.

**Swartt:** Yes! Let's see Zigu get beat up by a girl!

(I do NOT own Fifty First Dates; heeheehee!)

_Zigu stood over the groaning Fordpetal, raising his saber to strike the injured haremaid. Suddenly--_

_**CONK!**_

_A piece of driftwood came flying out nowhere and hit him in the face. Zigu looked up into Bluefen's wrathful face. Before he could even register surprise, the ferretmaid struck him again._

_The corsair tried to raise his saber, but Bluefen hit him several times on the back, saying, "I show you to strike a poor, innocent, injured girl, you big bully! Take that! And that! And that!"_

_The vermin horde and the Salamandastron hares were standing fifty feet away, staring at the strange sight. Who was the attractive young ferretmaid hitting Zigu with the piece of driftwood?_

_Swartt recognized his wife. "I thought she was dead," he said to Nightshade._

_The vixen nodded. "Yeah, me too."_

_Bluefen was putting on quite a show. She was whacking the corsair silly. She kept on tripping him, hitting his rump, and saying how she was going to show him how to assault poor defenseless girls. _

_Swartt was watching Bluefen. His painted face was awed and glazed. His paw was over his heart, and his mouth slightly open; drool began to trickle down his chin. _

_Zigu finally raised his sword, only to have it broken in half by Bluefen's piece of wood. For a moment, the corsair stood open-mouthed, holding his broken sword. Then he turned and took off across the dunes with Bluefen hard on his heels._

_"You can't run away, pirate! I'll get you!!"_

_Sabretache went down to see if Fordpetal was all right. When he looked up, he saw Bluefen half hidden behind a sand dune, pounding Zigu, who was out of sight. His agonized screams could be heard all the way to Redwall Abbey._

_"Um, okay," called Sabertache. "I think you got him."_

_"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" Bluefen called back, and went back to hitting Zigu._

_Finally she left that off and hurried over to Fordpetal. _

_"Are you all right, sweetie?" she asked in a soft, concerned voice._

_Zigu was racing across the beach. "PHYSCO!" he yelled across his shoulder._

_"YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN!" Bluefen roared over her own shoulder. Then she said to Fordpetal in a tone that was gentle and kind again. "Are you all right, honey? Good, good; we'll get you back up to the mountain, and then you can get healed, and then you and Bradders can get married--"_

_"LOOK OUT!" screamed one of the hares._

_Bluefen whirled around just in time to see Swartt come flying at her. He embraced her, and gave his wife a big smoocheroo right on the kisser! _

**Kelaiah:** Well, that was nice, wasn't it?

**Bluefen: **Yes, it was.

**Swartt:** Wowwwwwwwwwww.

**Kelaiah:** Oh yes, I better erase your memory, Mr. Bachelor; you're not supposed to find out who these bacherlettes are till the end of the show. _(Takes out a little laser thingy that's not supposed to exist in Mossflower, but then again they don't have dating games in Mossflower either, so who cares?)_

**Swartt:** What?

**_Zap._**

**Swartt: **Whoa. What happened? Who was the girl who beat up Zigu? I don't remember who she is. I just remember Zigu getting the seaweed grog beat out of him by a skinny little girl.

**Zigu:**_(From the audience)_ Yeah, and it hurt! Ow!_ (Adjusts a bandage.)_

**Bluefen: **Serves you right. Oh, and Mr. Bachelor, thank you for calling me skinny.

**Swartt: **Your welcome.

**Fordpetal:**_(From the audience) _Oh, thank you soooo much for saving my life! Me and Bradders are married, and we have a daughter named "Bluefen."

**Kelaiah: **Uh, oh. Looks like we have to erase your memory again, Mr. Bachelor.

**_Zap._**

**Swartt:** Would you knock it off?!

**Fordpetal:** Oh, sorry.

**Bluefen: **Your welcome, Ford, and thank you!

**Kelaiah: **Now then, how about if Mr. Bachelor asks Contestant No. 2 the same question?

**Swartt: **Oh, yeah. Um, Contestant No. 2, what is a dream you will never forget?

**Silth: **All my dreams.

**Swartt: **All your dreams?

**Silth:** Yes; they're all the same.

**Swartt:**_(sarcastic)_ Oh, how exciting.

**Silth: **Yes, I know. It's where I own Snow White's step-mother's magic mirror. I ask it, "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest female vermin of all?"

**Swartt:** Don't tell me, let me guess. It says your name all the time?  
**Silth:** Well, no, actually. I mean, it used to, but lately it hasn't! It's been saying someone else's name!

**Swartt:** Well, who is it?

**Silth:**_ . . . Bluefen!_

_(Bluefen sits up. Her eyes look from side to side. Then she scoots her chair away from Silth, who is staring murderously at her.)_

**Swartt:** Hmmm, y'know, I agree.

**Silth: **On what?

**Swartt:** That Bluefen is the fairest female vermin.

**Bluefen:**_(flattered) _Awwwwww.

**Silth: **WHAT?!

**Swartt:** Yes, she's the only female vermin where it says outright that she's physically attractive.

**Silth: **Well what about m--I mean, what about Silth? Everyone was singing songs about how the stars could not compare with her beauty.

**Swartt: **Yeah, but they could've just been saying that. Just like with Urgan and Rasconza and Plugg Firetail when they called Silvamord, Sagitar, and Kurda "beauties." They could've just been saying that. Those girls could've been really ugly for all we know!

**Silth:** WHAT? Why I oughta--

_(Silth tries to get past the curtain separating Swartt from the bachlerettes. The body guards, who are badgers, grab the vixen and set her firmly back in her chair.)_

**Kelaiah:** Now, then, I think our bachelor should ask Contestant No. 3 the question now.

**Swartt:** Uh, yeah. Um, Contestant No. 3, what is a dream you'll never forget?

**Celadine: **Oh, there are so many to choose from. There's that one where I put on a spectacular performance and the audience goes wild; then there's the one where I am made Queen of Mossflower; and there's that one where me and Felldoh get married.

**Swartt: **Huh, your dream is Felldoh's nightmare.

**Celadine: **What?

**Swartt:**_(innocently) _Nothing.

**Celadine:** But actually, there really IS a dream that I'll never forget!

**Swartt:** Is it where your magic mirror tells you that someone else is the fairest female woodlander of all?  
**Celadine:**_(amazed) _How did you know?

**Swartt:** Wild guess. Well, who was named the fairest female woodlander?

**Celadine:** Laterose of Noonvale!

**Martin:**_(from the audience)_ Of course she is!

**Rose:**(_from the audience) _Martin, please!

**Celandine:** But guess what? I asked it who was the fairest squirrelmaid and it didn't say my name either! It said Fwirl!

**Swartt: **Fwirl? Who's Fwirl?

**Celadine: **She's from _Taggerung._ She's that one squirrel with the red-gold tail.

**Swartt:** Wow. No wonder she's the fairest squirrelmaid.

**Celadine:** Well that's a title that should belong to _me!_

**Swartt:** Nah, Fwirl sounded a lot more prettier. Wait, you're a squirrelmaid?

**_Zap._**

**Swartt:** Cut it out!

**Kelaiah:** NO! You are not supposed to know who these girls are till the end of the show!

**Swartt:** Oh, who cares?

**Kelaiah:** I CARE! It's MY show! Now ask the last question!

**Swartt: **Fine. Contestant No. 1, who were your favorite heroes and bad guys in the Redwall series?

**Bluefen:** I like all the good guys. And of the bad guys, I liked Cluny the Scrouge, Slagar the Cruel, and Ublaz Mad Eyes, but I think Swartt Sixclaw was the best of them.

**Swartt:**_(flattered)_ REALLY?

**Bluefen:** Really. Plus I also liked Veil, but _(glances out at Veil)_ he kind of disappointed me. I was hoping my little boy would be good in the end. But instead Brian Jacques made it so that it would be up to the reader to decide if Veil was good or not. I really hate Brian for that! I really do!

**Swartt:** Wait, _Bluefen--?_

**_Zap._**

**Swartt:** KNOCK IT OFF!

**Kelaiah:** **NO.** Now get on with the question.

**Swartt:** Fine. Contestant No. 2, who were your favorite heroes and bad guys in the Redwall series?

**Silth: **My favorite character was Queen Silth.

**Swartt:** And?

**Silth:** And what?

**Swartt:** Don't you have any other favorite characters?

**Silth: **No. Why should I?

**Swartt:**_(sigh) _Never mind. Contestant No. 3, who are your favorite heroes and bad guys in the Redwall series?

**Celadine:** Well, I loved Celadine. I thought she was so beautiful. And I also loved Felldoh. So strong and handsome. I also loved Martin, Matthias, Mattemeo, Martin II, Arven, Deyna, Ferahgo, Klitch, Ublaz, Dandin, Rakkety Tam, Dannflor, Mokkan, Gelltor, Ascord, Ruggan Bol, Rufe Brush, Shard, Badrang, Samkim, Nimbalo, Swartt, Veil, Zigu, and Vilu.

**Swartt:** Sounds like you like only the cute ones.

**Celadine:** Oh, yes; only the cute ones.

**Kelaiah: **Well, those are all the questions that our bachelor will be asking the bachelorettes. And now, he must go through the very hard--

**Swartt:** Number 1.

**Kelaiah:** --difficult–

**Swartt:** Number 1.

**Kelaiah:** --straining--

**Swartt: **Number 1!

**Kelaiah: **--tear-jerking--

**Swartt:** NUMBER 1!

**Kelaiah:** --heart-breaking--

**Swartt:** **NUMBER 1!**

**Kelaiah:** --decision. Well, Mr. Bachelor. What is your decision?

**Swartt:** **_NUMBER 1!_**

**Kelaiah:** Alright, you don't have to shout. Now, if Bachelorette No. 3 would come out so that our bachelor can see who he passed up?

_(Celadine comes out from behind the curtain.)_

**Celadine:** HEY! You're one of the guys that I said was cute!

**Swartt:** Yeah, but, we're different species. It'd never work out.

**Celadine:** Well, we can still look at each other.

**Swartt: **Go away.

_(Celadine flounces off.)_

**Kelaiah:** Good. Now, if Bachelorette No.2 would come out?

_(Silth comes out from behind the curtain.)_

**Silth:** I like that blue cloak, but that war paint is hideous!

**Swartt:** WHAT? Well, what do you know? You let yourself get poisoned by your daughter!

**Silth:** Yeah, well your child probably would've done the same to you. He probably would, too. Wasn't he called 'The Poisoner?'

**_Zap._**

**Swartt:** **KNOCK IT OFF!**

**Kelaiah:** No, no, we did that to Bachelorette No. 1. We couldn't have her already finding out who you are, could we?

**Swartt:** Well, no, I guess not.

**Silth: **Say, can I have that cloak? It's magnificent.

**Swartt:** No.

**Silth: **But I need it for my castle!

**Swartt:** No. Go away.

**Nightshade:**_(from audience)_ Yeah! Beat it! There's only ONE vixen in Swartt Sixclaw's life, and that's me!

**_Zap._**

**Kelaiah:** We did that to Bluefen, not you, Bachelor.

**Swartt:** I figured that. Wait, Bluefen--?

**_Zap._**

**Swartt:** Hey!

**Kelaiah:** And now, if the two new couples would stand in front of the curtain so that they will see each other when it is parted.

_(Swartt and Bluefen stand on either side of the curtain, just opposite of each other. The curtain parts. There is a moment of surprised silence.)_

**Swartt/Bluefen:** _What are you doing here?!_ _You went on a dating game when you were married to me?!_ _Well, Veil talked me into it. He said it'd be just for fun, and I--_

_(Both ferrets stop and look out at the audience at their son. Veil smiles innocently and waves at them.)_

**Swartt: **Wait, Bluefen. You mean that you were the one who beat up Zigu with a piece of driftwood?

**Bluefen:** And you were the one who said that I was the fairest female vermin! _Awwww._

**Swartt:** Come 'ere you!

_(Swartt and Bluefen embrace each other lovingly and kiss passionately. The crowd goes wild with applause.)_

**Kelaiah: **And now, Mr. and Mrs. Sixclaw, you both win a free trip on a really expensive ship to the tropics, where you will stay at a fancy hotel with a hot tub, and feast at gourmet restaurants.

_(But the couple don't seem to notice what Kelaiah is saying. They continue to kiss all over each other's face.) _

**Kelaiah: **Ummm, they don't really seem to care. Uh, hey Veil, since you're their son, why don't you hold onto them for them and make certain that they'll use them, ok?

**Veil:**_(jumping up onto the stage) _Ok.

**Kelaiah:**_(Hands Veil the tickets.) _I like your attitude, young un. Well, thank you, everyone, for coming onto my show. Please come again. And if you have ideas for this show, don't be shy. I'd love to see them! Oh, and thank you, Veil, for getting your parents to do this.

**Veil:**_(Shrugs)_ I got tired of us being another dysfunctional vermin family, so yeah. . .

**Kelaiah:** Well, that takes care of that. Goodnight, everyone. Silth, Celadine, thank you for coming onto my show. And somebeast please get the Sixclaw couple out of here. They're going to wear out their lips with all that kissing.

_Swartt and Bluefen had the time of their lives on their trip. They were almost always wrapped in each other's arms. They frolicked in the waves, on the shore and among the trees. They ate romantic dinners, drank intoxicating drinks together, swam in hot tubs, and performed various other activities for married couples._

_Silth never got over the fact that Bluefen was prettier than she was, but she occupied herself with filling her home with more beautiful things. Her children are very mad at Kelaiah for this._

_Celadine received the shock of her life: Felldoh was in love with Trefoil! However, the squirrelmaid soon found herself over Felldoh and in love with Rufe Brush._

_Fordpetal and Bradders got married and now they have a beautiful blue-eyed daughter named Bluefen._

_Zigu is still recovering from his wounds and his broken pride._

_Kelaiah is waiting for someone to give him an idea for a next couple that they would like paired on this show. He's willing to take any that sound good._


	2. Couple 2: Tam & Armel

_"He did it again!"_

Melanda and her uncle Doogy looked up from their sword practice. "Wha-wha?"

Sister Armel, Melanda's mother, was furious. She stamped around the room, her long sleeves and skirt floating about her.

"I asked him a hundred times, and what does he do?!" she shouted, turning to her daughter and Doogy. _"He did it again!"_

Melanda and Doogy exchanged a look before turning back to Armel.

The squirrelwife swung about the room, looking for all world like a storm cloud.

"I asked him a _thousand _times, and what does he do?! He did it AGAIN!"

"Weel now, Ah thought eet twas _a hundred_ times, lassie?" Doogy Plumm asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Armel rounded on him; and if he were any less brave or tough, he would've been turned into a pile of dust.

"If I asked him a_ hundred_ times," Armel snapped, her brown eyes flashing, "I asked him a _thousand_ times!"

The squirrelwife turned and waved her arms around, howling, "I asked him and asked him and asked him, and _what does he do?!"_

Melanda sighed. "He did it again."

Armel turned to her daughter wildly, a crazy grin on her face. "You saw? You're a witness?"

"I'd like to be, Mum, if you told me who _he_ is, and-"

_"Your father!"_ Armel roared.

Melanda blinked and backed away, but bravely went on, "-and if you told me what he did-"

Armel turned away furiously. "No! I don't want to talk about it anymore!"

And with that, the squirrelwife stormed out of the room, leaving the other two squirrels breathless.

* * *

"We've _got_ to save my parents' marriage, Doogy!" cried Melanda, wringing her paws. 

"Ar weel, wee lassie, we'll have to. But how?"

"Well. . . ." Melanda's eyes (eyes which she inherited from her mother) narrowed as she thought of what they could do, and then they lit up. "Hey, remember that one Dating Show we saw not too long ago?"

"Yah mean the one aboot Swartt an' Bluefen gettin' together?"

"Yes! We can enter Mum an' Dad in! It'll be great! I hear Kelaiah is _desperate_ for a new couple."

"Ar weel, dew yah think they'll do it?"

"Why not? Veil got his parents to do it! Listen, you talk Dad into it, and I'll talk to Mum!"

"Heh, Ah doubt yer great big lump of a daddy weel listen t'me. He's still resentful 'boot the whole 'claymore' incident."

"Fine, then. _You_ talk to Mum, and _I'll_ talk to Dad!"

"Fair enough."

* * *

_(A tall, skinny ferret with rectangular glasses comes out on stage. The stage is far more glittery and elaborate than before. The curtains are pink covered in red velvet hearts. The throne chair for the bachelor_ _is even more so like a kings', and the three chairs for the bachelorettes are like those for princesses.)_

**Kelaiah:** Hello, everyone. I suppose you have all noticed that the studio is far less . . . _cheap_ than on the last episode. The reason is that because of the success of the last episode, even though it was the first, brought on such approval that I actually made a profit! _(Mutters to self)_ For once. _(Raises voice and smiles again)_ And now it is time for the _second_ episode of the Redwall Dating Game! Are you _ready?!_

**Audience:**_ (enthusiastic applause and cheering)_

**Kelaiah: **Well, I suppose I'll have to take that as a yes. Now then, you all remember the rules from last time, don't you? The bachelor will come out and will ask three lovely young bachelorettes some questions, and at the end of the show, he will decide which one he chooses, and he and his new lady friend will go on a spectacular date! And noooooooooooooooow, will the bachelor please come out and reveal himself?

_(Rakkety Tam comes out. Applause.)_

**Kelaiah:** _(shake's Tam's paw)_ Hello, Rakkety Tam Macburl. Good to have you on the show!

**Tam:** _(not very enthusiastic)_ Thank ye.

**Gulo:** _(from the audience)_ HEY! What's _he_ doing here?! He's not a bachelor! He's married!

**Kelaiah:** SHUT UP, GULO! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR WHAT YOU THINK!

_(Gulo grumbles and turns to Sunflash, and the two stick their heads together and start mumbling something about revenge.)_

**Kelaiah:** _(notices their actions, and takes a tighter hold of his laser)_ Uh, yeah. So, um, Tam, go ahead and take your seat!

_(Tam takes his seat, with a face that says "What am I doing here?" He glances out into the audience at his daughter, Melanda. Melanda waves and smiles encouragingly at him.)_

**Kelaiah:** And now, if our three lovely young bachelorettes would come out?

_(Armel comes out, looking rather huffy. She has a sour look on her face as she sits down in the No. 1 seat. She glances out into the audience at Doogy Plumm, who smiles and waves at her.)_

**Gulo:**_ (from the audience; realizing at the sight of Armel)_ Ohhh. . . .

**Kelaiah:** _(frowns at the wolverine and receives a fierce scowl back; sighs)_ Eh, Bachelorette No. 1, where are the other two?

**Armel:** Putting on their make-up.

**Kelaiah:** _(rolls eyes)_ What, again? Would someone go get them please?

_(The audience now has a good idea who the other two bachelorettes are. Not to their surprise, Celadine comes flouncing out. However, it is _some_ surprise when Viola Bankvole comes out, fussily straightening her pink-and-purple dress with numerous petticoats_.)

**Celadine:** _(pouting)_ I thought I made myself clear that hurrying makes my tail bushy!

**Kelaiah:** _(impatient)_ You look just fine, Cel.

**Celadine:** But what if Rufe Brush is watching?!

**Kelaiah:** Listen, Cel, Rufe Brush _likes_ bushy tails.

**Celadine:** He does?

**Kelaiah:** Yes. Now, please, Mr. Bachelor-

**Tam:** I don't know _why_ I'm here! It's all so silly and pointless!

**Armel:** I completely agree with you! I really can't see how I let myself be talked into this nonsense!

**Tam:** _(perking up, feeling that he's found a kindred spirit)_ Aye, that's right. It's amazing how stupid some beasts, can be, eh?

**Armel:** You're telling me. Sometimes-

**Kelaiah:** Well, now, I suppose we'd better get on with the questions, shall we? Mr. Bachelor?

**Tam:** Do I have to?

**Kelaiah:** _(takes out laser; has a dangerous tone to voice)_ Y'know, this laser does _more_ than just erase memories. . . .

**Tam: **Okay okay! Um, _(holds up card)_ Contestant No. 1, what is your favorite color?

**Armel:** It used to be purple, but now I'm not so sure.

**Tam: **_(glances at the purple scarf and kilt that he's wearing)_ Eh, how . . . how nice. Er, Contestant No. 2, what is your favorite color?

**Viola:** I like pink. And purple. But I _hate_ green; it doesn't look good on me at _all._ I'm amazed at how some beasts can get away with such a color _(glances out at Ublaz, who is wearing a green silk robe)_

**Tam:** Eh, eee-yeah. Right. So, um, Contestant No. 3, what is your favorite color?

**Celadine:** Well, I love pink, and it looks so cute on Rufe, though I think black becomes him a little better because it matches his eyes. And there's green and blue-green, both those look good on Rufe, as well as gold and-

**Tam:** Okay! Okay! Thankee. Eh, Contestant No. 1, what is your favorite flower?

**Armel:** Hmm . . . roses, I'd say.

**Tam:** _(perks up)_ Really? I like those too.

**Armel:** _(smiles)_ I like the red kind.

**Tam:** _(smiles)_ Yes, I like those too. They're so beautiful, aren't they?

**Armel:** Oh yes, and there's not another flower with so sweet a fragrance, is there?

**Tam:** No, lassie, there isn't.

**Kelaiah:** Uh, Mr. Bachelor, you're supposed to be talking to the other girls too, y'know!

**Tam:** Ahh, you're ruining the scene here!

**Kelaiah:** Just ask the other questions!

**Tam:** Okay, fine. Contestant No. 2, what is your favorite flower?

**Viola:** I love violas, because I was named after them!

**Tam:** Wha-?

**_Zap._**

**Kelaiah:** Sorry, Mr. Bachelor, you're not allowed to know who these girls are until after the show.

**Tam:** Hmph! Alright then, uh, Contestant No. 3, what is your favorite flower?

**Celadine:** Y'know, I just found out that my name is a flower! I can't _believe_ I've lived my whole life without knowing that celandines were flowers!

**_Zap._**

**Kelaiah:** Can't know who they are, Mr. Bachelor.

**Tam:** Y'know, that's getting real-

**Kelaiah:** Annoying. Yes, we all know that. Now get on with the questions!

**Tam:** Fine. Contestant No. 1, what is your favorite saying?

**Armel:** I don't have a favorite saying . . . _(grins)_ although I do like to say bossy things.

**Tam:** _(blinks)_ Armel. . . . ?

**_Zap._**

**Tam:** Hey!

**Kelaiah:** You're NOT supposed to know who these girls are _until the end of the show!!_

**Tam:** Ah, go boil yer head, vermin.

**Kelaiah:** _(points claw)_ PREJUDICE!

**Tam:** Well you are.

**Kelaiah:** That's right, I am. Oh well. (sighs)

**Tam:** Ah well, can't I just take No. 1 and be done with this?

**Kelaiah:** Oh, no you don't! You have to ask _all_ the questions! All of them! All of them, do you hear me?! ALL OF THEM!!!

**Tam:**_ (grumbles)_ Contestant No. 2, what is your favorite saying?

**Viola:** _(has been fluffing her flounces, and hasn't been paying attention to what all's been going on)_ Do you think I should have another ruffle sewn on?

**Tam:**_ (blinks)_ Wha-?

**Celadine:** Well, I suggest against it; it really doesn't come in handy when you're being chased by sea vermin.

**Tam:** Is No. 3 allowed to speak out turn?

**Viola:** Well, I suppose you're right.

**Kelaiah:** No. Now ask her the question.

**Tam:** But No. 2 didn't answer the question! Or did she?

**Kelaiah:** _(impatient) _TAM, just ask the question!

**Tam:** Okay, okay, fine. Contestant No. 3, what is your favorite saying?

**Celadine:** Well, it's a tie between, "Oh, I'm sooo fair and lovely today" and "Oh, Rufe Brush, you're sooo big and strong and handsome!"

**Tam:** _(blinks)_ Um, yeah. Okay. Um, Contestant No. 1, what are your interests and hobbies?

**Armel:** I love healing and feeding others.

**Tam:** _(smiles)_ Really? Those are admirable qualities.

**Armel:**_ (blushes and smiles)_ Thank you.

**Kelaiah:** Now ask the other two.

**Tam:** What? Oh, okay. Contestant No. 2, what are your interests and hobbies?

**Viola:** _(still fluffing and primping; Celadine notices this and quickly begins to do the same)_ I really ought to think of a way to keep my fur smooth.

**Tam:**_ (blank stare)_ Okayy. Now, Contestant No. 3, what are your interests and hobbies?

**Celadine:** _(primping)_ Practicing acrobatics with Trefoil and flirting with Rufe Brush.

**Tam:** _(scowls)_ Arr, tis always Rufe Brush with you! Why don't you just _marry_ the bloke?

**Celadine:** _Don't you think I've been trying?_

**Tam:** Whatever. Contestant No. 1, what do you like to wear?

**Armel:** Modest green dresses.

**Tam:** _(smiles)_ I've always admired modesty in a beast.

**Armel:** _(blushes and smiles)_ Thank you, but-

**Tam:** No, no, please! I think you ought to be commended for your-

**Kelaiah:** Yeah yeah yeah, ask the other girls the questions.

**Tam:** Ach, they don't care! Or at least No. 2 don't care, and No. 3 ain't interested!

**Celadine:** Now how do I know you're not Rufe Brush?

**Kelaiah:** Exactly. Now ask the others the questions!

**Tam:** Fine, fine. Contestant No. 2, what do you like to wear?

**Viola:** _(finally looks up from frills)_ Oh, I just_ love_ flounces and petticoats! They're so pretty and lacy and just so _fluffy!_

**Tam:** Hmph. Now, what about you, Contestant No. 3? What do you like to wear?

**Celadine:** I also like anything with laces and ribbons. Although I've been second guessing whether that's a good idea, or not. They really don't help when you're being chased by a whole bunch of pirate vermin.

**Viola:** Yes, I suppose there is that. But then again, being an Infirmary Sister, I don't think I'll have to worry about that, hm?

**_Zap._**

**Tam:** Hey!

**Kelaiah:** You are NOT allowed to know who these-

**Tam:** Ah, I ken the rules, ferret!

**Kelaiah:** Then get on with it!

**Tam:** _Okay!_ Contestant No. 1, what do you like to eat and drink?

**Armel:** There's so many foods to choose from at Redwall, I really can't decide-

**_Zap._**

**Tam:** Grrrrrrr!

**Armel:** Sorry.

**Tam:** Tis alright, lassie. Eh, Contestant No. 2, what do you like to eat and drink?

Viola: Oh, like Armel said-

**_Zap._**

**Tam:** Hmph!

**Viola:** -there's so many foods to choose from at Redwall, I really can't decide-

**_Zap._**

**Tam:** YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

_(Completely annoyed by the whole 'memory-eraser thing', Tam flings himself on Kelaiah. For awhile there's mass chaos. The squirrel and the ferret are rolling around on the floor, the audience is roaring, and the security guards, who are badgers, are tearing the two apart. Armel, Viola, and Celadine all scream and jump up and down. Viola and Celadine grab each other while Armel's eyes widen at the sight of her husband.)_

**Kelaiah:** _(noticing that Armel has seen Tam)_ Aack! _(points zapper thing at her)_

**_Zap._**

_(Tam is pulled back to his seat by the badgers and chained there. Kelaiah resumes his original position.) _

**Kelaiah:**_ (panting)_ Now you hold your temper, squirrely!

**Tam:** _(struggling against his bonds) _Who you callin' squirrely?!

**Kelaiah:** YOU!_ (stands up straight and dusts self down)_ Now, lets get this over with; I haven't got all day!

**Tam:** Fine. _(holds up cards with some difficulty, as his paws are now tied to the chairs' arm rests) _Now, Contestant No. 3, what do you like to eat and drink?

**Celadine:** EAT AND DRINK? What, do you think I want to get FAT?!

**Tam:** Man, 2 and 3 are psychos. Kelaiah, can't I just get number 1 and get out of here?

**Kelaiah:** At the end of the show! Now ask on!

**Tam:** Fine. Contestant No. 1, what is a dream you had that you will never forget?

**Armel:** Probably the dreams that I received from Martin the Warrior.

**Tam:** Really? I've had dreams from Martin the Warrior too!

**Armel:** Really?

**Tam:** Really!

**Armel:** Did he appear with all that gaudy armor?

**Martin:** _(from the audience)_ Hey!

**Tam:** Ach, lassie, that armor _is _gaudy!

**Martin:** _(from the audience)_ Hey!

**Kelaiah:** Yes, yes, we all know that Martin gets overdressed during his 'complex riddle time'.

**Martin:**_ (from the audience)_ Hey!

**Kelaiah:** Now, Mr. Bachelor, will you kindly-?

**Tam:** Yeah, yeah. Contestant No. 2, what is a dream that you'll never forget?

**Viola:** _(screams piercingly)_

_(The entire studio reacts)_

**Tam:** What? What?!

**Viola:** LIZARDS! LIZARDS! LIZARDS LIZARDS LIZARDS _LIZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! (runs off stage, screaming some more)_

_(silence)_

**Kelaiah:** Um, eee-yeah. Uh, security? Could you all go and see if you can get Viola to come back, eh?

_(The security badgers head off after the volemaid)_

**Kelaiah:** And Mr. Bachelor, would you continue on with the questions?

**Tam:** Uh, yeah. Um, Contestant No. 3, what is a dream you'll never forget?

**Celadine:** Oh, there are so many to choose from. There's that one where I put on a spectacular performance and the audience goes wild; then there's the one where I am made Queen of Mossflower; and where my magic mirror says that it was wrong to say that Rose and Fwirl were prettier than me; and there's that one where me and Rufe Brush get married.

**Tam:** Huh, your dream is Rufe's nightmare.

**Celadine:** What?

**Tam: **_(innocently) _Nothing.

**_Zap._**

**Tam:** Whad you do that for?!

**Kelaiah:** I was getting bored. Besides, it didn't make any difference.

**Tam:** Oh yes it does! I didn't need it!

**Kelaiah:** Well it's MY show! Now ask the last question!

**Tam:** _Fine. _Contestant No. 1, who are your favorite heroes and bad guys in the Redwall series?

**Armel:** I used to love Rakkety Tam, but after what he did-!

**Tam: **_(perks up)_ What?

**Armel:** _(stops and blushes with realization)_ Oh, it's uh, just something that he did that upset me is all.

**Tam:** Wha-what'd he do?

**Armel:** _(blushes even harder)_ I . . . It's a personal story.

**Tam: **_(also blushes, but, seeing this as a chance to find out why his wife is so mad at him:)_ Please, you don't have to name names. Just . . . give us a general idea of what he did.

**Armel: **_(blushes, but, seeing that this is a chance to bash her husband in a way so that lot's of people will know:)_ Well, it was very late at night, in fact, it was probably after midnight, when all of a sudden, Tam, he, he. . . .

**Tam: **_(blushing but he HAS to know:)_ G-go on. _(strains against the bonds holding him to his chair)_

**Armel:** _(so embarrassed but oddly determined:)_ He made an inappropriate request at that time!

**Audience: **_("Whoos" and catcalls and frowns and yells at Tam.)_

**Kelaiah:** _(blushes as well)_

**Tam:** _(blanches)_ And-and what was that?

**Armel:** He . . . he. . . .

**Audience: **_(leans forward eagerly in their seats, some hoping for something redeemable, others hoping for the worst.)_

**Kelaiah: **_(blushes harder but is undeniably intrigued.)_

**Tam: **_(voices raises an octave)_ He did WHAT?!

**Armel:** He asked me to open the window without saying _"Please!"_

**Audience: **_(draws in a gasp, then . . . "Wha-?" Some start muttering darkly, feeling like they've been cheated, others breathe a sigh of relief, while others start to laugh. Pretty soon, the whole audience is roaring.)_

**Kelaiah: **_(blinks)_

**Armel:** _(glares out at the audience)_

**Tam:** _(is, to say the least, surprised. Then annoyed.)_ C'mon, now, lassie, tell me what Tam _really_ did, aye?

**Armel:** _(furious)_ I mean just what I say!

**Tam:** _(stunned, then even more annoyed)_ Ya mean that the reason yer mad at Tam is because he asked you something without saying _please?!_

**Armel:** _(embarrassed, and wishing that she had never said anything)_ It was the way how he said it! It was just, "Armel, open the window!" I mean, a husband is NOT supposed to knock his wife about! He's supposed to _protect_ her! And then I became afraid that I married a male that'd turn out to be an abusive husband, and I got scared and then- then- I got weird- and then he got weird- and then I got weirder- and then he got weirder- and now- now- _I'm so afraid that my marriage is going to ennnd!_

**Tam:** _(stunned, then anguished)_ Armel. . . .?

**_Zap._**

**Tam:** Hey!

**Kelaiah:** You are NOT supposed to know who these bachelorettes are until the end of the show!

**Tam:** Well I don't care! I'm supposed to make the decision of who I choose, and I have made my choice! _(strains against his chains, almost breaking them)_ I CHOOSE CONTESTANT NO. 1!

_(Silence. Then the audience goes wild with applause; Celadine brings out a little hankie and dabs her eyes, sobbing, "Oh, it's just like in the movies!"; Armel looks up tearfully with a surprised look; and Kelaiah is furious)_

**Kelaiah:** You are supposed to-!

**Melanda:** _(jumping up onto the stage)_ Oh, shut up! What did I pay you for, eh?! (pulls out sword)

**Kelaiah:** Okay okay! Just don't hurt me!

_(Both Tam and Armel stare at their daughter)_

**Tam/Armel:** Honey, what are you-

**_Zap._**

**Kelaiah:** I did that to Armel, too, not just you, Tam.

**Tam:** Yeah, I-wait-

**Tam/Armel:** Armel/Tam?!

**_Zap._**

**Tam/Armel:** Hey!

**Kelaiah:** Whatever. Alright, folks, you heard what the bachelor wants. He wants No. 1. Now, if Bachelorette No. 3 would come out so that our bachelor can see who he passed up?

_(Celadine flounces out from behind the curtain.)_

**Celadine:** Well hellllllllllloooooooooooooo, handsome!

**Tam:** Sorry, I'm taken.

**Celadine:** Are you sure about that? _(starts to take advantage of the fact that he's still chained to the chair.)_

**Tam:** No! Go away. Arrrgh! _(tries to escape her caressing paw, but is unsuccessful)_

**Armel:** Don't worry, Mr. Bachelor! I'll save you! _(runs to the opposite side of the curtain.)_

_(stunned silence. Then the audience begins to give out catcalls again and cheers and yells and chortles. Armel stares at her husband, chained to a chair, with Celadine caressing his face. Melanda and Doogy exchange meaningful glances before hurrying up back onto stage. However:)_

**Armel:** GET YOUR FILTHY MITS OFFA MAH MAN!

_(Audience goes wild. Armel tackles Celadine and the two are soon rolling around on the floor. Tam, still chained and helpless, cries out meaninglessly; Doogy and Melanda circle Armel and Celadine, roaring out, "Get 'er from behind, Mom!" and "Aach, show the wee beastie what yer made of, lassie!" Kelaiah looks thoughtfully at his zapper, but then decides to wait. Instead he calls for security.)_

**Kelaiah:** Security!

_(Nobeast comes)_

**Kelaiah:** Security!

_(Nobeast comes)_

**Kelaiah:** HEY! Security!

_(Still nobeast comes)_

**Kelaiah:** Where in the - oh!

_(The security badgers come back from their chase of Viola. However, the bankvole is nowhere to be seen.)_

**Kelaiah:** Wait a second. I thought you guys went after Viola.

**Badger:** We did. But, well. . . . _(glances at the others, who look away)_ We'd rather not get into that, now.

**Kelaiah:** _(cocks eyebrow) _Um, okay. Uh, would you please separate those two brawling squirrelmaids, then, please?

_(The badgers soon separate the two brawling squirrelmaids. Celadine is escorted off stage, screaming that she's never coming back onto this show. Tam is released from his chair, and both he and Armel lovingly embrace.)_

**Armel:** Oh Tam.

**Tam:** Oh Armel . . . I'm so sorry. . . .

**Armel:** No, it was my fault for being so touchy!

**Tam:** No! It was my fault!

**Armel:** No! It was my fault!

**Tam:** No! It was my fault!

**Armel:** Ok, it was your fault.

**Tam:** _(laughs, and kisses his wife passionately. The crowd goes wild with applause.)_

**Kelaiah:** And now, Mr. and Mrs. Macburl, you both win a free trip on a really expensive cruise in the tropics, where you will have the most expensive and fun things in the world at your finger- er, pawtips.

_(But the couple don't seem to notice what Kelaiah is saying. They continue to kiss all over each other's face.) _

**Kelaiah:** Ummm, they don't really seem to care. Uh, hey Melanda, since you're their daughter, why don't you hold onto them for them and make certain that they'll use them, ok?

**Melanda:** _(jumping up onto the stage) _Ok.

**Doogy:** Now why didn't ye give the tickets ta me, eh?

**Kelaiah:** Well, I don't think you're really all that trust-worthy, after that whole 'claymore incident'. _(hands Melanda the tickets.) _

**Doogy:** _(grumbles)_

**Kelaiah:** Well, thank you, everyone, for coming onto my show again. Please come again. And if you have ideas for this show, don't be shy. I'd love to see them! Oh, and thank you, Mel, for getting your parents to do this.

**Melanda:** I had to save my parents marriage, so yeah. . . .

**Kelaiah:** Yes, well, you did a good job, young squirrel. Well, that takes care of that. Goodnight, everyone. Eh, I hope Celadine and Viola aren't too traumatized by all this. And somebeast please get the Macburl couple out of here. They're going to wear out their lips with all that kissing.

* * *

_Tam and Armel had the time of their lives on their trip. They were almost always wrapped in each other's arms. They frolicked among the tree branches and slept in the sun. They ate romantic dinners, drank intoxicating drinks together, swam in hot tubs and in the sea, and performed various other activities for married couples._

_Viola is recovering from her reminder of the dreaded Montior lizards; she is suing Kelaiah big time._

_Celadine is now scheming for a way to get Rufe Brush in her claws._

_Melanda is enjoying her life._

_Doogy is still grumbling._

_As for Kelaiah. . . . _

_

* * *

_

**_A/N:_**_ Well, there it is! Episode 2! I hope you all liked it, though it wasn't as funny as the first one. _

Thank you all for the ideas for couples, but I must say you don't need to give any more ideas; thanks to all you wonderful reviewers, I've got plenty.

HOWEVER, I would like you all to give ideas for _other_ things to happen; like what kind of questions should the bachelor ask his lovely ladies? And what kind of reactions do you think the bachelorettes have? And what about any interruptions in between? And Kelaiah the ferret? What do you want him to do?

**PoseidinandUrania'sdaughter:** Yes, I used YOUR idea first, because you gave it first. Thank you so much for it! Hm, another thing, though: I went to see if you've ever done any Redwall fics, but I haven't read it because it is M rated. I am very sorry, but I cannot read those kind of fics. HOWEVER, if you edited it so that it was T-rated, well, that's a different story. Would you, please? Huh?

**Other Reviewers:** Don't any of you worry; I'll try to find a way to do ALL of your guys' ideas . . . well, most of them, anyway.

Well, bye bye! AND THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS!


	3. Couple 3: Rufe & Celandine

_(A tall, thin ferret with rectangular - NOT square, like how other authors have described them - glasses comes out on a stage. A stage that is even more glittery and elaborate than ever before. The curtains are shades of swirly pink, red, and white, covered in lacy velvet hearts of pink, red, and white. The throne chair for the bachelor_ _is even more so like a kings', and the three chairs for the bachelorettes are even more like those for princesses.)_

**Kelaiah: **Hello, everyone and everybeast, and welcome back to the Redwall Dating Game! As you already know, I am your host, Kelaiah.

_(Audience claps. Some of them shout "It's about time!")_

**Kelaiah:** _(glares at those who said that)_Now first of all, let me just say that I do not own the Mossflower world or any of it's characters. Brian Jacques does. Second of all, allow me to thank Blissey, whose billion dollars he donated to the show helped make the show much more profitable. Thanks, Blissey! And second of all, allow me to explain why this took so long to update: Blissey specifically requested that Celandine appear in the next episode, but at first she didn't want to come back on, due to the poor treatment she received in the previous episodes. However, due to the recent accomplishment of second place in the Acting Trial of Redwall's Next Top Model, Celandine agreed to come onto the show. Now then, shall we bring out our bachelor and question our three eligible females?

**Audience:** YES!

**Kelaiah:**All right. Now, first, will the bachelorettes please come out?

_(The bachelorettes are Celandine, Tsarmina, and Kurda. They all walk out and sits in their chairs. Naturally, Tsarmina takes the chair with the number 1 over it, snarling at Kurda, who had been trying to get that chair as well, but the Pure Ferret thought better of it and opted for the #2 chair. Celandine is a bit put out at being in the #3 chair again, but she figures neither of the other two females would give up their seats, so she nestles down into the chair.)_

**Kelaiah:** Good evening ladies. How are you all doing?

**Celandine:**Oh just wonderful, Kelaiah! I won second place in an acting contest-

**Tsarmina:** Well isn't _that _something to get excited about.

**Celandine:**_(defensive)_Well I would've gotten first place if Bluefen hadn't one-upped me by being that ugly old hag!

**Tsarmina/Kurda:** Huh?

**Kelaiah:** Whatever! Now, if the bachelor would kindly come out.

_(Rufe Brush comes out and sits on the other side of the big curtain.)_

**Kelaiah:** Hello, Mr. Bachelor.

**Rufe:** Hi.

**Durry:**_(from the audience) _HI RUFE!

**Kelaiah:** OH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!

**_Zap._**

**Kelaiah:**Had to modify the bachelorette's memories; they can't know who the bachelor is until the end of the show, after all.

**Audience:** Yeah, yeah, we know!

**Kelaiah:**_(rolls eyes)_ANYway . . . now, let's have the bachelor ask the bacherlettes the first question?

**Rufe:** Right. _(Holds up a little card)_ Contestant No. 1, what do you look for in a mate?

**Tsarmina:** I don't. I prefer to remain single all my life.

**Rufe:** _(blinks)_ Er . . . why is that?

**Tsarmina:** Because there is no male worthy of me, that's why!

**Rufe:**. . . Riiight. But, um, then why are you on this show?

**Kelaiah:** This is taking too long. Ask the second contestant what they look for in a mate!

**Rufe:** But didn't you just-?

**Kelaiah:** NO! Now ask the question!

**Rufe:** Alright, alright. . . . um, Contestant No. 2, what do you look for in a mate?

**Kurda:** _(grins evilly)_I vill tell you vot I look for en a mate. . . .

**Kelaiah:** _(waves lazer threateningly)_ HEY! None of that on my show!

**Kurda:**_(glowers at Kel)_Fine. I look for a male who's tough and shmart but not tougher and shmarter den me!

**Rufe:** Um, right. Um . . . er, Contestant No. 3, what do you look for in a mate?

**Celandine:** _(dreamy voice)_ Strong, powerful arms and a handsome face like Rufe _Brrruuussshhh. . . ._

**Rufe:** _(taken aback by this, but undeniably flattered)_ Oh. Wow. Uh, thanks.

**Celandine:** Why are you saying thanks? Unless. . . .

**_Zap._**

**Kelaiah:** Please continue with the questions, Mr. Bachelor.

**Rufe:** Oh yeah. Right. Er, Contestant No. 1, what is your favorite color?

**Tsarmina:** None of your business!

**Rufe:** _(blinks)_Oh, um, yeah, right. Ummmmm. . . . Contestant No. 2 . . . same question.

**Kurda:** Pink. And white. And purple. And red. I love red. Especially _blood_-red, heeheehee!

**Rufe: **_(whimpers)_

**Kelaiah:** Continue, please, Mr. Bachelor.

**Rufe:** Uh huh. Okay, um, Contestant No. 3, what is your favorite color?

**Celadine: **Oh, goodness, how many times I've been asked that. Well, I love pink, as I've stated many times, and it looks so cute on Rufe, though I think black becomes him a little better because it matches his eyes. And there's green and blue-green, both those look good on Rufe, as well as gold and. . . .

**Rufe:** And what? Why'd you stop?

**Celandine:**Usually somebeast interrupts me by then.

**Rufe:** Well I'm not. Go on. What other color looks good on Rufe? _(smiles)_

**Celandine:** _(blushes)_ Oh, uh, well, I think auburn shades would also look good on him too, and maybe dark shades of brown too. I think he'd look quite dashing.

**Rufe:** Wow. I'll be sure to tell him once this is over.

**Celandine:**_ (flutters eyelashes even though she knows he can't see her)_Oh thaaaaanks.

**Kelaiah:** Now then, if the bachelor would ask the next question?

**Rufe: **Huh? Oh yeah. Um, Contestant No. 1, what is your favorite flower?

**Tsarmina:** None of your business!

**Rufe:**_ (blinks)_ Um, okay. Um, Contestant No. 2, same question.

**Kurda:**I hate flowers. Some of dem are prettier den me.

**Rufe:** . . . . um, right.

**Kurda:** '_RIGHT'?! HOW DARE YOU INSHULT MY BEAUTY YOU-_

_(Kurda tries to get past the curtain, but the badger security - who are all wearing very nice, expensive clothes thanks to Blissey's one billion dollar donation - come and restrain her.)_

**Kelaiah:** Alright, Mr. Bachelor. Continue.

**Rufe:**_ (shaken)_ . . . y-yeah . . . r-right. Um, uh . . . Contestant No. 3, what is your favorite flower?

**Celadine:** I like all flowers, but my favorite one is the one that I'm named after!

**Rufe:** And what is that?

**Kelaiah:** YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE UNTIL YOU'VE MADE YOUR CHOICE AND SEEN THE OTHERS! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT, PEOPLE?!

**Audience:** Gasp! He called us 'people'!

**Kelaiah:** Whatever. Now Mr. Bachelor, please continue.

**Rufe:** Contestant No. 1, what is your favorite saying?

**Tsarmina:** None of your business!

**Rufe:** Hm, that's a nice saying.

**Tsarmina:** SHUT UP! Or I'll eat you!

**Rufe:**_ (blinks and looks suddenly nervous)_Okay. Um, Contesant No. 2, same question?

**Kurda: **Yarr!

**Rufe: **Yarr?

**Kurda: **Yarr!

**Rufe: **Yarr?

**Kurda: **Yarr!

**Rufe: **Yarr?

**Kurda: **Yarr!

**Rufe: **Yarr?

**Kurda: **Yarr!

**Rufe: **Yarr?

**Kurda: **Yarr!

**Rufe: **Yarr?

**Kurda:**Yarr!

**Rufe:**Yarr?

**Kurda: **Yarr!

**Rufe: **Yarr?

**Kurda: **Yarr!

**Rufe:** Why do you keep saying 'yarr'?

**Kurda:** _Yarr!_

**Rufe:**_ (rolls eyes)_ Okay, whatever. Contestant No. 3, what is your favorite saying?

**Celadine:**Well, it's a tie between, "Oh, I'm sooo fair and lovely today" and "Oh, Rufe, you're sooo big and strong and handsome!"

**Rufe: **_(Grins)_ I like you.

**Celandine:** _(gasps)_You do?! Awwwwwwwww! You're so sweet!

**Kelaiah:** Yes, now please get on with the other questions?

**Rufe:**Alright fine! Hmph. Contestant No. 1, what are your interests and hobbies?

**Tsarmina:** _(evil, smug smile forms on her face_) Shooting things.

**Rufe:** _(eyes widen, then he whimpers)_ Um, yes. How nice. Er, _(gulps)_ Contestant No. 2, what are your interests and hobbies?

**Kurda:**Practicing vit mine sabres, yarr.

**Rufe:** _(winces)_Wow. 1 and 2 are scarey. Kel, can't I just take No. 3 and get out of here?

**Kel: **NO! You must continue on with the questions, that way you'll enjoy the person you want more than ever!

**Rufe:**Oh. So that's why the show's like that. Now, Contestant No. 3, what are your interests and hobbies?

**Celadine:** Practicing acrobatics with Trefoil and flirting with Rufe.

**Rufe:** _(chuckles fondly)_ You really are devoted to Rufe, aren't you?

**Celadine:**Oh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

**Treerose:** _(from the audience)_ Hey Rufe! How come you never acted like that when I flirted with you?!

**Rufe:** Because you weren't any good at it!

**_Zap_**

_(the zap blocks out Treerose's outcry of indignant rage, and she sits with a huff next to Oak Tom, who suddenly looks awkward and jealous.)_

**Kelaiah:** Now then, Mr. Bachelor, would you please get on with the remaining questions?

**Rufe:** Yeah, sure. Um, Contestant No. 1, what do you like to wear?

**Tsarmina:** Anything fitting for a queen!

**Rufe:** Oh really?

**Tsarmina:** Yes! . . . that, and a helmet with little slits so that I can see out but no arrow can get me in the face.

**Rufe:** _(winces)_ Ugh, sounds like you lead a pretty . . . _interesting_ life.

**Tsarmina:** _(grins smugly)_ That's right, darling.

**Rufe:** Eh, right. Now, uh, Contestant No. 2, what do you like to wear?

**Kurda:**Black. And purple. And gold. Any colors dat complement white and pink. And dat are royal.

**Rufe:** Oh really?

**Kurda:**Yarr. And also, de fabric has to be vashable so mine servants can get der blood-stains out!

**Rufe: **_(blanches)_ . . . . oh. How nice. Er, Contestant No. 3, what do you like to wear?

**Celadine:** Anything with laces and ribbons. Although I've been second guessing whether that's a good idea, or not. They really don't help when you're being chased by a whole bunch of pirate vermin.

**Rufe:**_ (smiles)_Yeah, that's right. Y'know, you're pretty smart.

**Celandine:**_ (shocked)_ Really?! You think _I'm smart?!_ Wow. . . .

**Kelaiah:** Yes, we're all stunned, honey, but Mr. Bachelor, would you please get on with it?

**Rufe:** Alright, alright. Contestant No. 1, what do you like to eat and drink?

**Tsarmina:** Honeyed fruits and spiced drinks.

**Rufe:**_ (brightening)_ Really? I do too.

**Tsarmina:** _(evil look) _Do you? Do you also like to eat birds?

**Rufe:**_ (suddenly looks like he's about to be violently sick)_

**Kelaiah:**_ (rolls eyes)_Could somebeast get our bachelor a bucket?

_(The badger security oblige, and soon Rufe is doing better)_

**Kelaiah:** Well, since you're doing better, Rufe, er I mean, er-

**_Zap._**

**Kelaiah:** I mean Mr. Bachelor, would you please ask the other two contestants the same question?

**Rufe:** _(still a bit pale)_ Yeah, sure. Um, Contestant No. 2 . . . same question.

**Kurda:**I prefer der herrings.

**Rufe:**_ (relaxing)_ Fish?

**Kurda:**Yarr, fish. And also, der birds are tasty, aren't dey?

_(Tsarmina and Kurda share a high-five. Rufe looks like he's about to be sick again.)_

**Rufe: **Uh, yeah, right. Um, Contestant No. 3, what do you like to eat and drink?

**Celadine:** EAT AND DRINK? What, do you think I want to get FAT?!

**Rufe:** _(at first taken aback, but then he shrugs) _Fine. More for me.

**Celandine:** _(beams)_ Oh goody! A male who'll eat all that wretched food for me! That way I can stay slim and beautiful for much longer!

**Rufe:** _(smiles in spite of himself)_Right. Contestant No. 1, what is a dream you had that you will never forget?

**Tsarmina: **AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! _WATER! _WATERWATERWATERWATER _WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!_

_(Tsarmina jumps up and runs offstage, the badger security in hot pursuit)_

**Kelaiah:**_ (slightly stunned)_ Um, right. Eh, how's about we continue on, Mr. Bachelor?

**Rufe:** Right. Er, Contestant No. 2, same question?

**Kurda:** _(snarls feral-like)_ Der squirrel! Der squirrel! Dersquirreldersquirreldersquirrel _deeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr_ squirrel!

**Rufe:**_ (whimpers in fear)_

**Kelaiah:**KURDA! Calm down! Now, Mr. Bachelor?

**Rufe:**_ (still trembling)_ Um, Contestant No. 3, what is one dream you'll never forget?

**Celadine: **Oh, there are so many to choose from. There's that one where I put on a spectacular performance and the audience goes wild; then there's the one where I am made Queen of Mossflower; and there's that one where me and Rufe get married.

**Rufe:**_ (relaxes)_ That sounds like a wonderful dream.

**Celandine: **I know, doesn't it?

**Kurda:** DER SQUIRREL!

_(Kurda leaps from her seat and into the audience, pouncing on Triss, who squeals and struggles to fight back.)_

**Kelaiah:** Oh dear. It looks like we lost our other contestant. Well, Mr. Bachelor, why don't we call it quits and we just bring out Contestant No. 3?

**Rufe:**_ (throws away cards)_ Yes, yes! That sounds like a marvelous idea!

**Celandine:**_ (gasps)_ You mean I've been _chosen?!_ FINALLY! I'm going to be a couple! Oh happy day! _(suddenly looks saddened)_ But what about Rufe? Wouldn't I be unfaithful this way?

**Rufe:** _(grins) _No you won't. Believe me, you won't.

_(the curtain separating the two squirrels rises.)_

**Celandine:** RUFE!

_(She tackles Rufe in a hug and smothers him with kisses, kisses which Rufe responds to rather enthusiastically.__ The crowd goes wild with applause.)_

**Kelaiah: **And now, Rufe and Celandine, you both win a free trip on a really expensive ship to the tropics, where you will stay at a fancy hotel with a hot tub, and feast at gourmet restaurants.

_(But the couple don't seem to notice what Kelaiah is saying. They continue to kiss all over each other's face.) _

**Kelaiah: **Ummm, wow, the couples never seem to care about the prizes, do they? Well, that's alright. But will somebeast please make certain that they get their tickets? Anyone?

**Felldoh:** I will! Its great Celandine finally has a boyfriend now! Now she can't give me and Trefoil that sour look every time she sees us! _(takes the tickets)_

**Kelaiah:**Thanks, Felldoh. Well, that takes care of that. Goodnight, everyone. Thank you all for tuning into the show. And somebeast please get Kurda off of Triss. She's Blissey's favorite character, I'm pretty certain he won't like her to be attacked like that. He did donate a billion dollars to the show, after all.


	4. Couple 4: Ublaz & Vilaya

**A/N: **This chapter has characters from BJ's latest book, "The Sable Quean", so I'll try not to give out too many spoilers for those who might not have already read it.

* * *

**Kel:** (_clad in an extremely expensive-looking suit_) Alrighty, its been eons since this little fic has been updated. But that's the trouble with fics like this; they don't have an ending! Ha ha ha...

**Audience:** (_Silence_)

**Kel: **Ahem. Anyway... and we're back with another episode of Redwall Dating Game! I am your host, the handsome Kelaiah, and here we have a brand new batch of bachelors and bachelorettes! Now then, let us welcome our bachelorettes!

(_Three females walk out onto the even-more-glittery-than-usual stage, and seat themselves on the princess-like thrones on one side of the red velvet curtain.)_

**Kel:** Welcome, ladies!

**Atunra: **Greetings, Kelaiah.

**Vilaya: **Hello, Kelaiah.

**Ashleg:** Er, am I in the right place?

**Kel:** (_suddenly taking notice_) What-? Ew, what-? What are you doing here? Where's Bachelorette No. 3?

**Arawolf Beechclaw:** Here I am.

**Audience:** (_goes wild with applause_)

**Ashleg:** (_looking relieved_) Oh good. Well then, I'll just... be on my way... (_scuttles backstage_)

**Ara:** (_strolls over and seats herself with some distaste on the glittery pink throne_)

**Kel: **Right. Now, for a little disclaimer: I do not own Redwall, nor do I own Arawolf Beechclaw, who is being used by my human alter-ego without permission, but he assured me LittlePsychoWolf wouldn't mind, as this was partially her idea in the first place.

**Ara: **(_shrug_) Can't argue with that.

**Kel: **And now, ladies and gentlebeasts, give a warm welcome to our new bachelor!

(_Ublaz Mad-Eyes walks out, waving grandly. The Monitor Lizards loyally clap, although the corsairs and Trident Rats boo. The woodlanders are divided: they either politely clap or join in on the booing. Ublaz hushes up the booers with his hypnotic stare, although it does take him awhile as there are so many of them.)_

**Kel:** Mr. Bachelor, please take your seat.

**Ublaz: **Humph! If my crown were complete with the Pearls of Lutra, I'd be able to hypnotize them all with one glance!

**Grath:** (_from the audience_) Yeah, but you can't! So there, HAH!

**Ublaz: **SILENCE, RIVERDOG!

**Kel:** PLEASE, PEOPLE! Can we get on with this episode?

**Every Redwall Character:** (_gasps_) He called us PEOPLE!

**Ara:** (_snickers_)

**Kel:** (_glares at Ara before turning to the others_) Alright, fine, my apologies. I mean 'animals'.

**Every Redwall Character:** Fine.

**Kel: **Yes, now... let us start off with Mr. Bachelor asking the bachelorettes some questions.

**Ublaz:** Alright, then. Ladies, which one of you is the prettiest?

**Vilaya:** I am, without a doubt.

**Kel:** (_sputters_) No, no! I mean the questions on the cards, Ublaz!

**Ublaz: **Forgive me, Kelaiah, but I've seen your show, and frankly... your questions... well, they suck.

**Kel:** (_swells up like a bullfrog_) Yes, I know, which is why I created some NEW questions!

**Ublaz: **Oh! Well then, alright... um, Bacherlorette No. 1, what is your greatest desire?

**Atunra:** Oh, I'm a little divided on that. One desire is to seek revenge on the animals who killed me.

**Yund/Pitru:** (_in the audience; gulp and sink lower into their seats as Riggu Felis glares at them_)

**Ublaz:** Hm, an understandable desire. (_glances at Martin the Second, who stares fearlessly back_) What's the other one?

**Atunra: **To have and to hold Ublaz Mad-Eyes for all eternity!

**Ublaz:** (_looks a little taken aback_) Um... really?

**Atunra:** Yes! He and I will be married and we will have children and-

**Ublaz:** WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! No WAY am I having any brats-!

_**Zap.**_

**Kel:** Now, now, Mr. Bachelor. You know you're not allowed to reveal yourself until the end of the show.

**Ublaz:** (_snorts and mutters_) I'm still not having any brats, you can count on that.

**Kel: **Fine, but just keep the rules in mind or I'll be forced to take away your hypnotic skills and have you babysit baby Arven!

**Baby Arven:** (_giggles maniacally_)

**Ublaz:** (_blanches_) No, no! I'll be good! I promise!

**Kel:** Good. Now get on with the questions.

**Ublaz: **Fine, fine... um, Bachelorette No. 2, what is your greatest desire?

**Vilaya: **To be revered, really. To rule over Redwall Abbey as I was meant to. Oh, and to seek vengeance on those who defied and killed me.

(_Said creatures who did these things to Vilaya in the audience snort derisively_)

**Ublaz:** (_smiles_) Most admirable desires, my dear.

**Vilaya: **Thank you. And don't call me your dear, nothings settled yet... sweetie.

**Ublaz:** (_grins_)

**Kel:** AHEM.

**Ublaz: **Whatever. Now then, Bachelorette No. 3, what is your greatest desire?

**Ara: **Ooh, that's a toughy... I guess the most obvious one would be to rid the whole literary world of the pure evil and vileness that is Mary Sue.

**Ublaz:** Nothing wrong with that.

**Ara: **Also, I'd love to come in contact with Jack Sparrow, of course. And wouldn't mind a lifetime supply of chocolate. And maybe a Cthulhu plushie...

**Ublaz:** A... what?

**Ara: **A Cthulhu plushie!

**Ublaz: **What's... a... Cthulhu?

**Kel:** Its a big, slimy, disgusting squid monster.

**Ara:** Well, that's not exactly what it is...

**Kel:** (_blinks_) It isn't?

**Ara: **No. Kel... are you telling me that throughout all our adventures together that you NEVER had any idea what Cthulhu was? I'm sure I explained it to you!

**Kel:** (_shrugs_) ...Oh yeah.

_**Zap.**_

**Ublaz:** Ugh, what-?

**Kel: **Had to modify your memory, Mr. Bachelor, because Bachelorette No. 3 accidentally revealed herself. Sort of.

**Ublaz: **Hmph.

**Ara: **By the way, Kel, I AM going to get that whole load of my favorite chocolate from you for this, right?

**Kel:** YES, Ara. Oh whoops, didn't mean to say your name...

_**Zap.**_

**Kel:** Anyway, I always make good my promises when it comes to chocolate. And your mood swings.

**Ara:** (_grins_)

**Ublaz:** Yes, well, why don't we get on with the questions?

**Kel:** Yes, let's.

**Ublaz: **Would you please quiet down, Kelaiah? I'm trying to read out the questions.

**Audience:** (_laughs_)

**Kel: **(_fumes_)

**Ublaz: **Now then, Bachelorette No. 1, what do you look for in a mate?

**Atunra: **He must be everything Ublaz Mad-Eyes is!

**Ublaz: **Hmm... I'm not so sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

**Atunra: **It is a GOOD thing! There's nothing bad about it, because Ublaz is PERFECT!

**Ublaz:** Well of course I am-

_**Zap.**_

**Ublaz:** -but you don't give off a very pleasant aura.

**Atunra:** WHAT? MY AURA IS PLENTY PLEASANT! (is suddenly restrained by security badgers) AUGH!

**Ublaz: **Whatever. Bachelorette No. 2, what do you look for in a mate?

**Vilaya:** Good looks, of course. And good hygiene. And smarts - though I don't really want him to be smarter than I. And rich, I'd like him to be rich.

**Ublaz:** (_smiles seductively_) How lovely. Those happen to be the qualities I look for in a mate, too.

**Vilaya:** (_also smiles seductively_) Really?

**Ublaz:** (_smiles all the more seductively_) Rrreally.

**Kel:** Ahem.

**Ublaz: **Fine. Now, Bachelorette No. 3, what do you look for in a mate?

**Ara:** (_grins evilly and mimics Kurda's accent_) I vill tell you vot I look for in a mate...

**Kel:** (_waves lazer threateningly_) Hey, I'm warnin' you!

**Ara:** (_smirks_) Relax, Kel. I look for males who know how told hold their rum. Er, seaweed grog. ...Whichever.

**Ublaz: **...Uh-huh. So... yeah. Um, Bachelorette No. 1, who is your favorite Redwall character?

**Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) I WANT MY MOMMY!

**Audience:** _(laughs_)

**Rasconza:** (_looks around, confused_) Huh? What happened?

**Kel: **Let's just say that I hope people have read 'Redwall Fanmail' before reading this, otherwise they'd think I'm plagarizing Snowfur's show.

**Rasconza:** Huh?

**Kel: **Never mind. Now, Bachelorette No. 1, could you answer Mr. Bachelor's question, please?

**Atunra: **Ublaz Mad-Eyes is my favorite character. Oh, and Riggu Felis. And Atunra. Heeheehee!

**Ublaz:** Hm. Not... too bad choices, I suppose...

**Atunra: **Like favoring Atunra is a bad thing?

**Ublaz: **...Bachelorette No. 2, who is your-

**Atunra:** HEY! I'm talkin' to you!

**Ublaz:** Well I'm not talking to you.

**Atunra:** You just did.

**Ublaz: **Whatever. Bachelorette No. 2, who is your favorite Redwall character?

**Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) I WANT MY MOMMY!

**Bane:** (_from the audience_) Heh heh, glad it wore out on me.

**Vilaya: **(_ignoring the foxes_) My all time favorite is Vilaya, the Sable Quean.

**Ublaz:** Oh yeah, I liked her too.

**Vilaya: **Rrreally?

**Ublaz: **Yep, she's easily the most beautiful female vermin of all.

**Vilaya: **Awww.

**Swartt:** (_from the audience_) No, she's not! BLUEFEN is!

**Bluefen:** (_sitting next to Swartt_) Awwwww!

**Ublaz:** Keep dreaming.

**Swartt: **WHY YOU-AUGH! (_gets tazered by Steve_)

**Kel: **AACK! STEVE, NO! (_uses lazer to take the tazer away_)

**Steve:** Huh?

**Kel:** Steve, go sit in the corner! NOW!

**Steve:** (_pouts and goes over to the corner_)

**Kel:** Ahem, now...

**Ublaz: **Bachelorette No. 3, who is your favorite Redwall character?

**Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) I WANT MY MOMMY!

**Ara: **Barranca.

**Barranca:** (_from the audience_) YES! I got a fangirl!

**Ara:** (_glares at the stoat_) I'm NOT a fangirl, you twit!

**Barranca:** (_deflates_) Oh. Oh well.

**Ublaz:** Well either way, I think that's a terrible choice.

**Ara:** It's better than you.

**Ublaz:** WHAT? You don't even know who I am!

**Ara:** Doesn't matter.

**Kel: **WHATEVER. Just please get on with the questions, Ublaz. Oops, I mean-

_**Zap.**_

**Kel:** -Mr. Bachelor.

**Ublaz: **Right. Um... Bachelorette No. 1, who is your least favorite Redwall character?

******Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) I WANT MY MOMMY!

**Atunra: **Pitru and Yund. (_glares at said creatures, who glare right back_)

**Ublaz: **Uh huh. Bachelorette No. 2, who is your least favorite Redwall character?

**Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) I WANT MY MOMMY!

**Vilaya: **Zwilt the Shade and that stupid badger from the same book. The female with the Mary Sue name.

**Ambrevina Rockflash:** (_from the audience_) HEY, WATCH IT!

**Ublaz:** (_thoughtfully_) I don't care for Rasconza or Sagitar or any woodlanders myself...

**Kel:** Whatever. Just get on with the questions.

**Ublaz:** Oh, do shut up, ferret.

**Kel:** HEY!

**Ublaz: **Bachelorette No. 3, who is your least favorite Redwall character?

**Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) I WANT MY MOMMY!

**Ara: **Gulo. He nearly ate me at one time!

**Gulo:** (_in the audience, blinks, and turns to Shard_) When did that happen?

**Shard:** (_whispers_) Just keep repressing the memories, milord. Just keep repressing the memories...

**Ublaz:** Lovely.

**Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) I STINK!

**Audience:** (_roars with laughter_)

**Kel:** (_slaps forehead_) Ugh, can we PLEASE just...!

**Ublaz: **Yes, yes, I know, I know, ask the questions... Bachelorette No. 1, what do you consider a romantic evening?

**Atunra:** (_dreamily_) A night of dancing and opera.

**Ublaz:** I hate dancing and I hate opera.

**Atunra: **Well that doesn't matter. All that matters is what UBLAZ wants.

**Ublaz: **Oh trust me, sweetheart, Ublaz DOESN'T want to do that stuff.

**Atunra:** Says you!

**Kel:** Whatever. Can we go on, please?

**Ublaz:** Bachelorette No. 2, what do you consider a romantic evening?

**Vilaya:** Hm... an exquisite supper, and a moonlit walk out on the beach.

**Ublaz:** Ooh, I like beaches. That sounds lovely.

**Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) I STINK!

**Audience:** (_laughs_)

**Ublaz: **Bachelorette No. 3, what do you consider a romantic evening?

**Ara:** Yeah, the moonlit beach does sound nice, only I'd add in some rum and Jack Sparrow.

**Ublaz: **...Ee-yeah... right...

**Ara:** (_threateningly_) You DO think that's lovely, don't you, poppet?

**Ublaz:** ...I'm a male. Why would I think that its lovely?

**Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) I STINK!

**Ara:** Hm. Good point.

**Kel:** Alright, can we-?

**Ublaz:** Hang on. (_looks thoughtful for a moment, then grins evilly_) Lovely. Favorite.

**Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) I STINK! I WANT MY MOMMY!

**Ublaz:** Do you need her to give you a bath, or do you just need your diapers changed?

**Audience:** (_roars with laughter_)

**Rasconza:** (_looks around, befuddled_)

**Kel:** (_rolls eyes_) Yes, thank you for that very tasteless piece of humor. Now can we-?

**Ublaz: **Alright, alright... Bachelorette No. 1, how do you like to spend your days?

**Atunra: **Waiting on my lord and master, ministering to him and whatnot. But I would like to do that for Ublaz as well.

**Ublaz: **...Right. Bachelorette No. 2, how do you like to spend your days?

**Vilaya:** I like to relax on my throne while my servants shower me with compliments, and I like to eat fine foods and wear silk clothing.

**Ublaz:** Ooh, so do I!

**Vilaya:** (_smiles_) We seem to have a lot in common.

**Kel:** Yes, now can we please move along?

**Ublaz: **Whatever. Bachelorette No. 3, how do you like to spend your days?

**Ara: **Singing, speaking with a British accent, sharpening pointy objects, eating chocolate, and slaying Sues with my bestest best pal in the whole wide world!

**Kel: **Aww.

**Ublaz:** (_sarcastic_) Oh, what soppy sentiment.

**Ara:** Shut up!

**Kel: **Alright, then, that's the end of the questions! And now, Mr. Bachelor must pick which of these three bachelorettes will be going with him on a romantic cruise!

**Ublaz:** Number 2.

**Kel:** Are you sure?

**Ublaz:** Yes.

**Kel:** Positive?

**Ublaz:** Yes.

**Kel:** Absolutely positive?

**Ublaz:** Yes.

**Kel:** So sure you could-

**Ublaz: **YES I WANT BACHELORETTE NO. 2!

**Kel: **Alright, sheesh. What's his problem? Alright now. Bachelorette No. 1, would you please come out so Mr. Bachelor can see what he passed up?

**Atunra:** (_comes out from behind the curtain_)

**Ublaz:** (_eyes widen_)

**Atunra:** (_gasps_)

**Ublaz:** Oh no...

**Atunra: **UBLAZ!

_**Zap.**_

**Atunra:** (_glomps Ublaz_) UBLAZ! UBLAZ UBLAZ UBLAZ!

_**Zap. Zap zap zap.**_

**Ublaz:** Get OFF me, you stalker!

**Kel:** Security!

(_Badger security drag a wailing Atunra away_)

**Kel: **Alright. You okay there, Ublaz?

**Ublaz:** (_carefully wipes silk cloak_) Yes, thank you.

**Kel: **Alright. Bachelorette No. 3, would you come out?

**Ara:** (_comes out from behind the curtain and takes one look at Ublaz_) ...Meh. (_walks off_)

**Ublaz:** (_stunned that his good looks had no effect on a female_)

**Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) HA!

**Ublaz:** (_glares_) Lovely, favorite.

**Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) I STINK! I WANT MY MOMMY!

**Kel: **Yes, we know, Rasconza.

**Rasconza:** (_from the audience_) Huh?

**Kel:** And now, if our new couple would stand before the curtain!

(_Ublaz and Vilaya do so, carefully grooming themselves: Ublaz is clad in his gold silk cloak, a cream-colored waistsash, and his unfinished crown; Vilaya is clad in her purple silk cloak, her snake-fang necklace. The curtain finally reveals themselves to each other.)_

**Ublaz:** ...

**Vilaya:** ...

(_Silence. Then:)_

**Vilaya:** (_singing_) Now that we've met one another...

**Ublaz:** (_singing_) Its clear we deserve each other!

**Vilaya:** (_places paws on Ublaz's chest_) You're perfect!

**Ublaz:** (_puts paws around Vilaya's waist_) You're perfect!

**Vilaya/Ubaz:** (_turn to face the audience_) So we're perfect together! Born to be forever dancing through liiiife!

(_And with that, the marten and sable dance offstage, leaving everybeast else in a state of shock. Until Atunra comes back out.)_

**Atunra:** (_singing_) Don't wish. Dooon't start. Wishing only wounds the heart. There's a girl I knoooow... he loves her sooo... I'm not... that... giiiiiirrrlll...

**Ashleg:** (_suddenly appears by her side_) I'm available.

**Aturna: **Ewww, get away from me! (_whacks him upside the head_)

**Ashleg: **Ooowww, I can never catch a break, can I?

**Kel: **No, you can't. Now, can somebeast please make sure that Ublaz and Vilaya get their cruise tickets please?

**Dirva:** I will. (_As she trundles up to the stage, she whacks Zwilt with her cane along the way_)

**Zwilt:** OUCH! (_snarles, and is about the leap upon the old rat when he's tasered by Steve_) AUGH!

**Kel:** Steve, what have I told you about... actually, never mind. I think he deserves that.

**Steve:** Okay. (_tasers Zwilt again_)

**Zwilt: **AUGH!

**Swartt:** (_smirks_) Glad its not me for once. AUGH! (_gets randomly tasered by Steve again_)

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Redwall, nor do I own the _Wicked_ songs that were parodied/referenced.


End file.
